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When My Vagina Speaks

TGLIFE's Kennidi Monroe Discovers More About Herself, And What She Had All Along!

It’s the tenth anniversary of The Vagina Monologues, and I just got done interviewing Calpernia Addams on www.feastoffools.net Podcast, who did one of the trans versions of the show. So I got this brilliant idea to write my own monologue about my vagina in celebration for the ten years.

As I lay on that table, looking down at my body, I see these lines drawn where they are going to inject the magical stuff; the stuff that will jump start me in the journey of becoming a woman. They will be giving me what I always dreamed of since I was a little boy, the anatomy of a woman that I could never have. As I lay there I think to myself about my childhood. I think of all the bad things people used to call me; FAG, QUEER, FREAK, COCK SUCKER, HOMO, and on and on. Those words would haunt me at night; I was too young to hear that. What was that, I’d ask myself? That was hate from another human being because they could not understand me. Why was I so young and so hated? How could I be that boy that felt so alone inside? Where was God, when I was in pain - I was too young to feel that.

Why was I so different, why couldn’t I just be like all the other boys? Why did I have to be hated for being different? Puberty hit, and my life changed. I used to walk around as a kid with a smile on my face daily, and now you barely seen that smiling boy. You saw a person who felt alone, felt unwanted and insecure about their life. My voice never changed like the other boys, my emotions towards boys never changed, and the one thing that did was the hair. I had been growing hair everywhere and it wasn’t me. I would look at it on my body and feel ashamed, it wasn’t me. That’s not who I was. My heart would ache more, and more. Here I was a troubled boy forming a body I never wanted. Here I was going through life feeling disconnected from my body. Why was I given this nightmare? Why God, why?

As he sticks one needle in, he fills it with silicone, the pressure is fine at first, but then I feel the burn. I am awake as he is doing this; I am watching needles go in and out of my breast. I am in pain, but as I lay there I think was it as painful as living as the wrong identity? Here I was starting to change myself into the person I dreamt of being. Here I was becoming that identity that I felt I was meant for. Each needle helped me ease the pain of a childhood that I could never change. It helped me feel free of the burden I was about to put on my family. What was my father going to think when his oldest son, comes home as his oldest daughter? Would he abandon me, hate me like all those other people did because I was that different child? Would he see someone that meant nothing to him? Would he stop loving me? Would be embarrassed to love me? Would I break his heart because I was finally being free? They kept pumping more and more into me, as I felt the pain, I felt life enter my soul, I felt like my world was starting to become complete.

Laying there on the table, I daydream and start to remember the first time I tried to apply my best friends makeup to my face. As I look in the mirror I don’t see the imperfections; I see something of beauty shining back at me. I see a life that is waking up to a new world. As I look at that face I set and wonder how will I make this life my everyday way? How will I succeed as this person I love? Will others love me or hate me?

As I set and ponder, I think to myself do I want a vagina? Do I want what my sister has? Do I want what my best friend has? For years I’d ponder that question. And one day I came to terms with it; I already had my vagina, God had blessed me with this thing that I looked at and enjoyed. I embraced it, because it was who I was. I felt like it was a part of my structure of being a woman. My vagina wasn’t like my sister’s or my best friend’s but it was mine. I treated it as such. I felt like the true vagina was in my consciousness, it was who I was from the inside out. I didn’t need a huge surgery to make me have that vagina. I’ve had it since I was born, it has been with me, I just had to find it! At twenty-three years on this earth I found it, and it was there all along. How could all these years I not know about it? It was because I wasn’t ready for it. I had walked through the shoes now, I felt it. I felt what God gave me, why alter it with a lot of money I didn’t have? Why not embrace it with love?

As he kept filling me up one needle at a time I just looked up and told God, “I know I'm doing this all wrong, but please understand that this is what I want. Protect me as I go through this.” As I lay in the apartment-make-shift doctor’s office, I lay there finding my inner vagina, my inner feminine, my inner womanhood. I know we go through life making choices and at that point in my life I felt like it was a choice I had to do, maybe it was illegal, maybe it was pumping my body with wrongful toxins, but I was becoming this person I longed to be. I wasn’t that boy who felt trapped and alone anymore, I was this girl that felt free to be herself. Wasn’t scared of what people thought of her. That painful moment on that bed in that apartment was well worth it because it has brought me years of happiness.

My vagina talks to me everyday as I look in that mirror and see something unique. I see a creation of a person that God knew I could handle. I see a life that was finally whole. A beautiful amazing creation of what my vagina was meant to be... a Transgendered Woman!

A Vagina, is a reference we can all take with us, it’s something we can all find in our own self because we all have some inter feminine in us all. Being a man or a woman answer this question without thinking much about it (a great question from my friends at Feast Of Fools Podcast): “If your vagina could write its own monologue what would it say?” When you’re done answering it, let it resonate inside of you.

Remember that you are special and loved, and life is full of wonderful things, embrace it! Listen to me on www.feastoffools.net, watch my video blogs on www.youtube.com/kennidi and visit my site at www.myspace.com/kennidimonroe or write me with your vagina answers at kmonroe@tglife.com