One Wife's Story Of Her Lasting Marriage!
Hi, my name in Nan and I am 58 years old and have been married to a closeted crossdresser for over 25 years. He started sneaking his mothers clothing and make up as a teen. We grew up in the same town, but as I am 5 years older than him we didn’t really know each other. We met in June and were married in December. He made me aware of his compulsions early on in our relationship. He said that he liked woman’s panties and nighties, but I didn’t know the real depths of what this meant at that time, I thought it was just a sexual thing.
He did not get the opportunity to dress very often for the first 22 years. We had 4 kids between us, so he only had the opportunity when they all stayed with friends, or if we got away alone.
The last of the kids moved out in 1999, but at the same time my elderly parents moved in. So again, the only opportunity was if we went away to a hotel for a weekend.
With the lack of opportunity and busy lives, he pretty much just stopped dressing. Add to that, the fact he wasn't accepting of that side of himself, he consciously resisted those urges (this I was not aware of).
However, the desire was still there, so he turned to the Internet, trying to satisfy the urges with stories and pictures of other crossdressers and transvestites. What happened was, he pretty much withdrew on both sides of his personality. He wasn't expressing his desires to become feminine, and unwittingly became less masculine, in that his relationship with me became non-existent physically. He says that he just got to the point where, if he couldn't be feminine, his sub-conscious rebelled by taking away his desire to be masculine.
In late November of 2005, I happened upon my husbands, hidden internet links and email sites, and was angry and hurt to find that he had been having a relationship and satisfying his desires with a computer, while I lay frustrated in the bedroom, thinking he didn't love or desire me anymore. I didn't understand, why he wasn't open about his needs and desires, seeing how I had never opposed his dressing. He told me it was hard for him to explain, but that he had experienced an identity crisis, and that he didn't know who he was or wanted to be.
We had some very long soul-searching discussions, and I spent hours on the computer learning more about transgender issues. The end result being, I have helped him to accept himself for who he is. I believe that my acceptance and support at that time encouraged him to fulfill his desires and helped him to come out to a point.
While he was still in the closet to the rest of our family, friends, and co-workers, he dressed nightly in the privacy of our bedroom (my elderly parents still lived with us), and every weekend, for most of the day & night.
In January 2006, I took him to Myrtle Beach for 5 days en femme. We went shopping, out to dinner, got her a manicure & pedicure and met some other local TG’s. It was wonderful for him, as it was the first time he every got to talk one on one with someone like himself. We stayed in the little restaurant for over 5 hours talking with them. At the time, Amy weighed 285 lbs., so we did lots of shopping while we were there and once we got home. I felt so bad about her having suffered in silence for so long, that it was me not her that went thru gender euphoria, and bought her over $5,000 worth of clothing, wigs & make up. However, with the weight of the secret off her shoulders, Amy started loosing weight and lost over 80 lbs in 3 months, so that led to more shopping. LOL
In April 2006, we went to our first transgender event. We left Charleston and drove to Atlanta, GA, where he turned into Amy and we had contacted some local girls and met them for dinner. The next morning it was off to Eureka Springs, AR for the En Femme Getaway. We spent the night in Memphis TN, before reaching Eureka Springs. Amy was really enjoying her cross-country trip en femme.
The Getaway was a wonderful experience, and we made many new friends both TG’s & GG’s. On the way home we stopped overnight in Nashville, TN and that morning Amy had to change back into boy mode, as we were driving straight thru back to Charleston. She hated every minute of it. But it had its humorous moments
As my parents still lived with us, Amy had to stay in the closet other than in the privacy of our bedroom or if we went away for the weekend. But she was very happy and we grew closer than ever. During the Getaway there had been a fashion show, and many of the girls had modeled wedding gowns. Amy said, if we came back next year she would like to model one. I told her, oh no you don’t. I’ve been married 3 times and I never got to wear a real wedding gown, so you don’t get to where one before me. Well that led to our deciding that at the next En Femme Getaway in 2007 we would re-new our 25th wedding vows as two brides. Thus the shopping began again. LOL
Let me tell you, you can’t just buy a wedding dress off the rack for a TG that is 6’ 2”. We ordered a custom made gown from China off from eBay for Amy and I bought a used gown on eBay for me. We spent the next few months buying all the other goodies, i.e. shoes, jewelry, slips, flowers, bouquets, etc. Then went on to the cake and refreshments etc. and of course we had to write of vows. It was a great and exciting time for us both. Amy asked a girl named Crystal from San Diego, that we had met the year before to be her maid of honor and I asked Amy from Glamour Boutique in Vegas to be mine (she had done make-overs at the previous Getaway and we had grown close).
Crystal & Amy planned a bachelorette party for us for the night before the wedding. We all had a wonderful time. Crystal had bought us banners & hats and had bought a pack of cards that are used for GG’s bachelorette parties, so we had to modify what was on the cards, since it was TG’s not GG’s carrying out the tasks. Crystal kept saying that Amy had to spend the night with her, as it was bad luck for the bride to see the bride before the wedding. LOL I told her that after 25 years of marriage, I thought we could skip that part. The wedding was wonderful and although we couldn’t have our real families there to share the special day, we had our trans family with us.
Next, came our 1st time at SCC in Atlanta. Wow, it was so awesome. There were over 840 paid attendees in the beautiful Crowne Ravina hotel in Atlanta. We met many new friends and ran into people from the En Femme Getaway that had been present for our vow renewal. We attended many informative seminars on various transgender topics. The most informative and moving was one given by Julie Nemechek & her wife. Then there was the first ever Transgender Career Fair where we picked up a lot of very useful & informative information on trans friendly employers.
It was on the way home from SCC that I turned to Amy and told her I thought she needed to start looking into transitioning to live 24/7. I think she was shocked, to say the least.
When we returned home, she set up a meeting with her ex-boss to talk with him about the possibilities of their company’s policies on GLBT policies (he is gay and had worked his way up in the company). He told her he didn’t think the corporation would support her transition on the job and if she planned to transition she should look for a company with trans friendly policies.
She confided in her doctor and he made an appointment for her to see a therapist. Amy has been on hormones since January 2008. She is out to all of our close friends, and all of our family, and it has gone very well on that front. I don't think my parents really understand it all, but they are trying to be supportive.
In September she got outed at work and was expecting a rough ride. She went to her boss and explained everything to him. Other discussions followed and the end result is that the company is going to support her transition at work. Her last day as Gary will be February 12 and her first day as Amy will be February 23. On February 17 she goes to court for her legal name change.
So that’s where we are today. Many other transgenders have asked me how I was able to get thru this or to accept it. My reply is there is nothing to accept, I love the person I married and that person just happens to be transgendered and that doesn’t change the love I have for the person. This is the same person I married and have loved for over 25 years and will continue to love till the day I die.
Mail to a friendCOMMENTS
- On June 29 At 04:11 -Caroline_M- said
A wonderful story.
- On June 01 At 00:46 -gypsygirl- said
My wife and I have been married for 32 years, this June 25th
- On March 08 At 15:19 -devorah- said
I am so happpy to read this story. It gives me lots of hope taht maybe one day my wife and family will accept me, and understand my strong desire to be come a girl
- On March 02 At 14:54 -RachaelK- said
This is a very poignant story. I have a supportive spouse also, but I believe Nan is a wonderfully compassionate person and Amy is so lucky to have her as a life partner....not just a "wife".
- On March 01 At 09:42 -melissacd- said
This is an absolutely incredible story of how love can transcend everything. I had a very different experience with my ex (that says it all). I eventually told her, she could not accept, a decade of trying to work through this unsuccessfully and after 25 years together it all ends. It is heartwarming to see that there can be a love that can rises above how we dress and instead embraces who we are as a person.
Thanks so much for sharing this story with us.
Melissa