TG LIFE Columnist Janessa Jaye Champagne Talks About Freeing That Girl In You!
I have random notebooks filled with bits of unfinished poems, ideas for characters and stories, notes about articles that I’d found and thought were interesting. I have at least a dozen sketches of gorgeous gowns sitting on my sewing table. I have list after list of projects that are waiting for me to find a free day, or hour, or even a few minutes.
No matter how busy I get, it seems like there are always more things to do.
One of the things that is finally nearing completion, after many more years than even I care to admit, is my MA thesis. For far too long, that thesis was like so many other things that I had just described. It was a project waiting to be completed, something that needed my full attention and time. Something that had to be scheduled in around all of the other things that manage to claim bits and pieces of my time.
As I get closer and closer to the end of the project, with mainly revisions left to go, I realize that the hardest part wasn’t coming up with a title, or organizing the chapters, or compiling all of the research. The hardest part wasn’t sending it off to my committee members for a critique, or taking their comments and turning them into worthwhile changes. It wasn’t even the long hours I spent in the library, writing page after page until my eyes bugged out. No, none of that was the hardest part.
The hardest part was getting started.
Something about the project seemed too big, too important to just jump right in. I had preparations to make. There was always one more book or article to read, one more documentary to watch (all in the name of research, I swear!), and then maybe I’d be ready. Or maybe if I had another meeting with my advisor to talk over the direction. Maybe then. There was always something that I felt I had to do before I could start writing. In my mind, once all of the preparations were in place, the writing would be simple. Just plop down at the keyboard, click clack a few keys, and voila! There I’d be with a manuscript and a well-deserved cocktail in hand, ready to send it off to rave reviews, followed by instant publication and immediate critical acclaim.
But no matter how much I prepared, no matter how much I alphabetized and categorized and highlighted and outlined, there were snags. Sentences were elusive, and never wanted to form up the way I wanted them to. I rediscovered what I should have known all along: the process of writing is hard. It is also extremely rewarding. Most hard things in life are. And I almost didn’t get there.
The same thing is true of exploring your femme self. It can be a daunting prospect, venturing out into the world in a new face. There is so much to prepare for: shoes to buy, makeup techniques to master, accessories to coordinate. It is tempting to stay stuck in preparation mode. Waiting for that perfect pair of platform wedges to appear. Hoping you’ll master the frustrating enigma that is liquid eyeliner. “If only I can find the perfect necklace to match that summer dress I have hidden away in my closet, then I’ll be ready to face the world.”
But the “when’s” and the “if only’s” rarely ever happen, and rarely in the way we expect. So much of what we learn and grow from happens when we put on our big girl shoes and hit the ground running (or runway model walking, if you prefer). We get started, we see which of our preparations are useful and which might need to be retooled or discarded. We begin, ever so slowly, to explore that thing inside of us that makes us feel whole. As our comfort and confidence grows, we begin to show that sweet femme side to others, gauging their reactions and watching our relationships grow and change, for better or for worse.
Once you begin that process, you may realize that some things in your life may need to get rewritten, and some new and unexpected chapters may emerge. You may never find that perfect accessory and you may never master all of those trick of painting and powdering, but you will find yourself more at peace with that sweet, girly part of you whose been tapping her high-heeled foot at you for far too long. And when you do, take her out for a cocktail and have a great time!
Miss Janessa is finally doing what many said was impossible: preparing to graduate with her Master’s degree. This has made her very introspective. It has also made her terrified that the student loan officer will team up with the Columbia Record Company and her Avon lady to track her down for all of the money she owes. While she is in financial hiding, she may be reached at: JanessaJaye@hotmail.com
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